Death

My thoughts have been everywhere today... The last hour or so I've been thinking of death.

What if death was a person, not some skeleton. A person who's job it is to cross us off the list when we die?

I'm not asking what it is. Or what it means. Not questioning the afterlife. More as, death as a movement. Pondering. Every extraordinary thing, whether good or bad, has culminated with death. To name the first few that come to my head: Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Hitler, Martin Luther King. Would any of these movements have been as powerful if death did not follow?

I love Liam Neeson. He is a fantastic actor.

Of course not. And If I die, I want to die for a reason. I don't want to die of old age or a heart attack. I don't want to die because I slipped in the bathtub or choked on some food.

It actually did happen.

I want to die for a cause. Whether shot, stabbed, poisoned, blown-up, or anything... I don't really care. I need something to die for, or at least something to be prepared to die for.

Yuppers

Help me God. Give me something to die for if I am supposed to die. There of course is the chance that I do not taste of death like Enoch or Elijah, and be translated, but that is unlikely. Quite so. Yet, you never know I guess. Anyways, if I can't have something to possibly die for, then give me something to live for. Hmmm, that would probably be the same thing. Something to die for and something to live for.

This could be God. Although that is Morgan Freeman... another fantastic actor.

Bright light?

There's something I just don't understand. Why girls like me? Don't laugh, it's a legit question. I can't understand why someone would like someone as fragile as myself. As stupid as me.

Less fragile than you think, as proven in underwater experiments, but breaks easily

I mean, yes this me I project to the world that I am actually striving to become is a beacon of light in the darkness. Of seemingly never-ending joy. But here's my problem: that isn't all me.

The Cookie Monster found it. The source of never-ending joy.

Do I want to fall for someone in a similar situation? It seems like it. So far I've fallen in love with two girls. One had bi-polar II and the other one... well, that's complicated. But they're both done with, whether it ended calmly or otherwise.

Picture speaks for itself.

Do I want someone who actually is a bright light? Do I want someone who is trying to be one, like me? I can't be sure.

That bright light hasn't been tainted. But a dim light trying to be brighter has gone through more than the original bright light, so is technically stronger, or has the ability to be. Right?

I do know two things however. I will be able to share every little detail of my life with my wife. Every little fear, habit, everything. Small or big. And, I will not live a life full of regrets of things I never did. I will not live a life of what-if's. I absolutely refuse those lives.

Obviously she did not regret what she did. I bet if she was given another chance Hermione would do it again.

Truth.

Better

Michael Scott from The Office:
"You don't know anything! I live in a fantasy world!"

I can connect to that. My life has been hell. For a multitude of different reasons. Course, I'm not talking about the physical hell here. I'm talking about the other hell. Spiritual hell. I've been on my way out for a bit now, but these feelings still hold true. And yes, there are two hells.

Right now for me, the whole world is a stage. I have to convince them all, everyone, that I am who I am. But I'm acting, that's the thing. I am not optimistic. I am not this person. I am not this super-positive person. But I want to be, and am on my way to becoming this person.

I'm riddled with guilt, pain, misery. All over. I don't deserve this life. What the hell did I do in life before earth to deserve such a great family and everything. Or really, any of this?

Sad thing is, I might know why. But why would I believe a devil's angel? I have absolutely no reason to. But I also don't have a reason not to yet. From my research, sometimes they will tell you the truth to deceive you. Odd how that works.

That's all I feel like sharing about this. It's probably better that way.

High Maintenance

So, I am going to admit the obvious, that I am high maintenance.

Yup. Being High Maintenance is a good thing. I think. Not sure.

I care about all the little things. Call it OCD, being high maintenance, or whatever you want, in reality, I'm not sure of their dictionary definitions, as I haven't ever sat down to read a dictionary. Someone told me OCD is if something isn't done or something in an exact way, then you think something bad will happen...I have that kinda.

That's just bad. Bad words are bad. Just like Tom Sawyer. He's bad. Yeaaahhhh...

So many little things irk me.

When toilet paper runs out, not replacing it.

Thomas Payne's Common Sense

Why the heck would you make a dress out of toilet paper!? Well, for prize money I guess.

Putting both seats down when the toilet is flushed, so the contents of the toilet don't fly into the air.

Worst idea ever. Lighted toilet seat. Then you can see how dirty the toilet seat actually is. Clear toilet seats are a bad idea.

I clean it before I use it anyway...but still.

Cleaning up food and dirt messes on the ground. I can tolerate clothes and toys fine. I will clean them up later. Actually those other messes I will clean up too, but if they aren't mine, it won't be done very happily. I'll still be happy that the mess is gone however :)

That's just inexcusable. Some mess in a room is fine. Actually, some mess is good. Helps yo' memory according to some report haha :)

I would never be able to let anyone live in my house unless they had fantastic oral hygiene. A clean mouth is a happy mouth. And one without cavities. Well, minimal cavities.

Imagine this happening every single time. Then it travels in-between the teeth and the tongue.

Showers. Every day. But there are exceptions. Such as camping and the such.

Neon or LED lights in a shower is an awesome idea. Gonna eventually put this in my future home. Not that shower...but lights. A soothing neon glow while you take your shower.

Poking the sides of my chest. When my friends do it, it's fine, I refrain from putting my Black Belt skills through their head. It's a funny thing. I thought it was funny when it was done to an old friend of mine named Amanda. She reacted to it just as much as I do. Huge reactions. But a stranger doing that? Nuh uh. Your going down stranger. Your goin' down.

 I'm not the only one with a black belt.

Don't touch my phone without permission. If I give it to you, you have free reign. I'm an open book. But if I don't hand it to you.. don't go looking through my notes app. Or my songwriting app. Most people don't anyways, but still...

My phone looks like that!

Don't put bare feet near me. Socks are fine.

I wish they had these for guys. I only wish. Toe socks. Yes, toe socks. Not those smiles. Well, we should all be smiling all the time, but you know what I mean. Maybe.

Well, there's the end of this post. Hope ya had fun, maybe learned or took something around the way of this. Whether it's an idea or a fact or a sprout or a laugh. Something. Hmm. I am staring at that picture and really want some toe socks now. They look much more comfy than my own.

Wilderness Survival

Well, you can call me crazy. Cause I am. Really. I mean, why would I want to do this in the first place? That's insane!

We may be insane...but we are nowhere near as classy as this man.

At least, that's what everybody was telling me. And the couple of others that were coming with me. Why would you want to? But, you just may be surprised that I'm saying that every person should do this every five years. Of course, most won't, but it should be done so that we can appreciate the life we have.

This came up with a search for 'appreciate life'. Yeah, now I do appreciate life.

What you enjoy most, are those what seem like simple inventions. Indoor plumbing. Toilet paper. Toilets. Running (purified) water. Couches. Beds. Relatively bug-free house. Electronics.

So, you have probably guessed by now, I went on a Wilderness Survival trip. We went way up north in Michigan to where it's just miles and miles of forest, and survived. We drove to the middle of the forest, and then ditched our cars for three days.

We also planned where we were going to do it, cause we don't wanna be breaking any laws. We probably did break a few laws by accident, but we didn't do so knowingly.

We brought pretty much nothing. We brought the clothes that were on us (one pair of socks, one shirt, one pair of some type of jeans/pants, and a hat), and just a few other things. Such as bug spray - deet content at 98.11% or higher, a belt, a survival bracelet (we made that could be taken apart and used as rope), and we each got a water bottle.

We also had a few 'extra' items that we could bring. They ended up being an axe, a tin can, a BB gun, mosquito netting, and fishing hooks.

Suffice to say, we ended up hating every minute of it. Here is a list of reasons why...

1. There were more animals in one aquarium at a grocery store than there were in the miles of forest we were in.

2. The water we drank (after we boiled it), was either black or yellow.

3. Birds are very very annoying at four a.m.

4. Fifty degree weather at night

When we arrived, we built lean-to's. We used sticks big and small, to make huts or at least a space that protected you from the elements. A common one is two "y" sticks put together, with a straight stick between the middle.

However, we ended up not using the lean-to's as it was forty degrees outside! Very very cold when your trying to sleep. How did we solve the cold dilemma? We all slept around the fire, being subject to all the mosquito's that were attracted to us and the light. And yes, there were quite a lot of mosquito's even though it was forty degrees outside. Deet barely works anymore FYI, the human race has created super-mosquito's. I'm quite sure of it. Somehow the US Government is involved (just kidding).

I wasn't kidding about super-mosquito's though...

Remember those old commercials where 5% deet protected you from mosquito's...not these days.

Hunting didn't turn out very well. Neither did fishing. Here is a list of everything we ate:

1. One single bird. The meat on this bird, is what I imagine crap to taste like.

2. Blueberries. We deprived the area of blueberries. For miles. And still, we only had about two little packages you would find at a grocery store. And these blueberries were about half the size of those at grocery stores.

3. Frogs. We caught four frogs. The thigh on the legs was okay. But the feet and fingers and everything else? Disgusting. How people eat that I'll never know.

In total, we starved ourselves for three days. We did a TON of work getting firewood and chopping it up (we didn't want to have to fetch firewood at night because it was near pitch-black and if you want bigger pieces of wood that will last, you have to chop it; we collected all the wood we'd need for night during the day).

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Great and fantastic book. Want to see the movie :)

On our way home, we stopped at Speedway gas station and we each got a $1.00 44 oz soft-drink. Some of us two (like me). Then we dropped by Wendy's.

Of course we smelled delicious. And we looked even better. After all, we were in the wilderness for nearly four days! The one given thing we all ordered was a frosty. I personally like the classic chocolate frosty. Mmm mmm good. Burger wise we all got different things. Let me tell you... that was some of the best food I have ever eaten. I love you Wendy. Thank you for making burgers.

All in all, it was a HUGE learning experience. I plan on doing it every five years of my life, so that I don't take anything I have for granted. I didn't realize just how cushy our lives here in America are. Very much so. We are incredibly lucky.

One, Two Lane Roads

I love you girl who's name rhymes with Tarah. And always will. However, life has to move on. So, I have moved on. If we're meant to be, I'll be ecstatic. If I find someone else, I'll still be ecstatic. The only way I can go on is to move on. I've realized that, and with that, have sparked this new flame. This new fire. More optimistic than ever. Stronger than ever. I can do whatever the heck I want. Nothing can stop me. I can feel it run through my veins, through my mind.

What I want, I am going to get. There is no stopping the course I am on, as it is a one way road. For now, it is a lonely road. But until this road joins with another to form a two lane road, I will build myself as strong as I can possibly get in every possible way.

Whomever you are that I join roads with, I will be praying for you. Not necessarily that your life will be easy. I will be praying for you to go through trials, so that you can learn from them. Be stronger. That way, you can be a beacon of light and help others who are struggling when the time comes. Whomever you are, I love you and always will.

Soon

I am more certain than ever. I am more scared than ever (I am almost never scared). I am more anxious than ever. I am more nervous than ever. I am more sad than ever. I am more happy than ever. I am more excited than ever. I am more weary and downtrodden than ever. I am tired.

Soon this is all coming to an end. Not this blog, but this page of my life. No more hiding. No more unintentionally playing games. I will be 100% clean and out in the open. I will be able to rest for two years without any regrets. I will hopefully be able to have a great future even after these two years I am gone on a mission.

However...two years is a lot longer than it sounds, but it is also much shorter than it seems. Strange, how paradoxes work, eh?

All I know is this. I will know what my future holds. Soon.